The Slow Realization of Hermione and George
by Ava Miranda Dakedavra
Summary: "So testosterone boys and harlequin girls, won't you read this whole book and keep your lovers at bay?" 'Easier said than done, Hermione,' Harry Potter thought as he read her and George's co-authored book, 'Easier said than done.'
1. Introduction

_**Critiques for**__** How to Fend Off Freakies **__**by Hermione Granger and George Weasley **_

"It was so funny, I'm upset that I didn't get to see their expressions while reading this. Would've made it hilarious." – Samantha Jennings, Second Year Ravenclaw

"I bet this will turn into a best-seller. Go on, I bet you." – Professor Horace Slughorn, Potions Professor

"Don't bet with Slughorn. You'll only get leprechaun gold and a taste for vengeance." – Roonil Wazlib

"EVIDEEEEEEEEENNCE!" – Harry Potter, Boy Who Lived

"This was seriously a good read for a laugh. Harry's been reading it over and over again for weeks, he's even been doing that little thought-margin thing! Although, I have reason to believe that he might've caught a bit of insanity from the book on the first round, because now he says that George and Hermione are practically a couple. I apologize beforehand." – Ginny Potter, Holyhead Harpies Chaser

"This is a great book for killing spiders." – Ron Weasley

"I've read worse." Rita Skeeter, _Daily Prophet_ reporter

* * *

><p><strong>How to Fend Off Freakies<strong>

**_by Hermione Granger and George Weasley_**

_[Harry Potter is using this book as evidence of Hermione and George's relationship. Get your own bloody book if you want to document such enigmas.]_

_[Ginny Weasley Potter is wondering who poisoned/Imperiused her husband, and will kick whoever's butt did it (And yes, Ron, that means you. I know you've been trying to slip things into his drinks at dinner. Stop it or I'll hex your balls off.)]_

* * *

><p><em>Now, seriously, I don't condone this.<em>

Have you any clue what 'condone' means?

_Obviously not. You're the bloody genius._

Condone means to be willing to overlook something. For example – that time in my fifth year when you and your twin were –

_Nah, nah, nah, they don't need to hear any of that rubbish. Oh dear, I think we're confusing the poor little kiddies. Let's introduce ourselves and our business, shall we?_

Fine. I'm Hermione Jean Granger, Gryffindor Muggle-born, founder of S.P.E.W. friend of Harry Potter and basically the whole Weasley family (although I hear Percy doesn't like me all that much) and The-One-Who-Wishes-She-Was-The-One-To-Yell-"Notmydaughter,youbitch"-To-Bellatrix-But-She-Wasn't-So-She-Can't-Say-That-She-Did.

_Err…wow Mione. Nifty nickname._

Oh stuff it, it's your bloody fault for having me write this book with you anyway. It's two o'clock in the morning!

_No, actually, it's one fifty-nine – oh no, __**now**__ it's two o'clock! Err…right then. I am George Gideon Weasley, co-owner of Weasley Wizard Wheezes, Gryffindor pure-blood troublemaker, twin of the late Fred Weasley (I'm fine now, I swear, Mum – I don't need another cheering potion!) and He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Called-'Innocent'-As-Long-As-He-Lives. _

Merlin, I love our nicknames.

_We should use them forever. _

Agreed. Anyway – this book is written to show the relationship between those around us – like how I'm not 'in love' with Harry or Ron and that there's nothing even remotely going on with me and Ferret.

_And I'm here to straighten the score that I'm __**not**__ bloody depressed about my twin dying, (I mean, yeah, I still feel a bit moody now and again, but he wouldn't want me all 'oh woe is me, I need to die as well,' now would he?) that I'm not going after Fred's girl like that (HELLOOOO ANGELINA! *waves*) and that when left alone with the bookworm, I will create the brilliant idea of making a book of our own._

Honestly, I know I read much more than those in my immediate circle of friends, but come on, I don't understand why people expect me to read _Hogwarts: A History_ half a billion times and not get bored with it.

_*gasp* You can get bored with a book?_

Oh shut up, George. Anyway, this book is just…rubbish, in my honest opinion.

_Love you too, Mione. No, actually, this book is how to dispel rabid people who want to make up ludicrous stories about you (i.e. You having Lucius Malfoy's baby [Even worse if you're a bloke]), how to tell if your friend fancies you, and just random little tidbits some people seem to overlook very often. _

Like how my middle name is 'Jean' and not 'Jane.' Umbridge's middle name was Jane! How dare you give me any tie to that woman!

_And how people believe that Fred and I had 'hearts of gold.' Maybe they heard that Seamus Finnigan had 'pots of gold' and that somehow got transferred over to us. But no, Fred and I only care very deeply about those closest to us._

That would be a 'heart of gold,' Georgie.

_Shut up, Herman. …I'm sorry, okay Hermione? Please stop it, I can feel the book burning in my hand as I write with the force of your glare. The book is whimpering in pain – its saying "Please, please make her stop, it burns, it buuuurrrrns!"_

…Fine. But only for the book!

_Also, I would like to point out to the little munchkins out there that Hermione and I are both writing in two different books, but they connect and matching up into both books so we can copy them and sell them to little bored/hopeless firsties like yourselves. And thus was the story of how you got your book._

I apologize for leaving you with him for this Introduction, but previously mentioned, it's two in the bloody morning, and he's been making me work with him in the shop all day. I'd rather have another round with Bellatrix than do this, but she's dead and I'm stuck here….

_Err, right, remind me to keep you slightly sleep deprived before setting you to work on the book again. You're much more fun this way._

Joy. Now, I'll meet a nice man while I'm in such a state, and we'll hit it off, and then I'll have to basically kill my brain with insomnia so he'll remain interested in me. The children would wonder why mummy kept walking into walks and spinning.

_Children, now, really? We don't even have a name for this hypothetical man, and there are already hypothetical children? Tsk, tsk, Hermione. McGonagall would frown upon this type of behavior from her favorite student._

The hypothetical man's name is …Fobnic, and there are three hypothetical children: Jenna (14), Isaac (12), and Molly (6) and then we have a hypothetical cat named Mister Tibbles, and there's also a hypothetical leak in my ceiling that I'll have to look into while it's quiet around the hypothetical house.

…_You really are out of it, aren't you? And Fobnic? Why torture the poor hypothetical man, Hermione?_

It's a mash of 'Fall Out Boy' (Fob) and 'Panic! At the Disco' (nic). I love those bands.

_Err…right. Well, seeing as if I keep poor 'Mione up any longer she'll go completely barmy on us, this is the end of the Introduction! TADA!_

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls, will you read this whole book and keep your lovers at bay?

* * *

><p><em><strong>With love from Hermione J. Granger and George G. Weasley, who would like to express their appreciation of your purchase of this book. If you did not purchase this book, Hermione wants you to return it immediately and face your punishment, while George would like to wonder 'why the bloody hell anybody would ever really want to steal [their] book anyway. It's just for a laugh, honestly.' <strong>_

_**~ Professor Minerva McGonagall; Hogwarts, School of Wizardry and Witchcraft Headmistress**_


	2. Ignorance

**_A/N: In all honesty, I never expected this story to get any reviews in just six hours. Let alone three! So thanks for reviewing guys. (And, yes, I typed up the first chapter at two in the morning. Hermione was p-o'ed at me. George just wanted to charm my braids into standing up straight.)_**

* * *

><p>Hello, and welcome to the first official chapter of our book, which you should know the title of so I'm not going to repeat it over and over and over again just to get the point across. Anyway, this chapter will be about how to get rid of the fans, featuring a step-by-step instruction and then a little excerpt from either my life or George's.<p>

_Yours. They're not allowed into my head at this hour._

George, it's eight o'clock.

_Exactly! Bloody torture, that's what it is! _

Oh shut up – you got me up at two in the morning!

_Aha, yes, but in reality it was still nighttime! Not morning! It was dark out! Morning is when the sun comes up!_

…Continuing on with our helpful advice, you must first –

_Actually Hermione, what if we hold off this subject for the next chapter?_

And what do you propose we discuss in the meantime?

_You remember how Harry and Ginny were pains in the arse because they were so ignorant?_

Yes, but what does tha – oh. Oh! I understand now. We write about how to get ignorant people together?

_Exactly, ten points to Gryffindor for the genius little bookworm._

Shut it, George.

* * *

><p>"Harry, honestly, George and Hermione aren't secretly dating!" Ginny yelled at him once more.<p>

"But Gin, just listen, this book – " he was cut off by his wife once more, sighing a little as he lowered the previously mentioned book in his hand.

"Harry James Potter, my brother and Hermione aren't secretly dating! They're just very close friends, and even if they _were_ dating, don't you think they would've told somebody by now?"

"No," Harry frowned, "They wouldn't have."

"Oh come off it, Harry, you know George can't keep a secret."

"What about the DA?" he mentioned, earning a frozen expression from his wife, "He kept that secret very well. So did Mione."

She sighed, looking tiredly at her husband, "Harry, please, I'm begging you, no more of this – " she gestured to the book and quill in his hand " – I'd very much like my husband back, alright?"

He soaked this in before nodding slowly, making her smile and hug him before she reached for the book, flipping it open to see the familiar scribble of her husband in the margins, "Hey, wait, they're writing about us?"

"Yeah, the first chapter too," Harry grinned, having already read it seven times.

She paused before looking up at her husband, "Actually, on second thought, you are allowed to continue with this shenanigan, Mister Potter, but not around me. Understand?"

"Understood, Missus Potter," he smiled before pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"Now, let's see what they wrote about us," she said as she brought the book over to the couch.

* * *

><p><em>Now, everybody knows who Harry Potter is – super hero who killed Moldy Voldy – and who my baby sister is – an awesome Quidditch player for the Holyhead Harpies. They dated in his sixth year (Ginny's a year younger than him) and then broke it off when he, Hermione and my younger brother Ronniekins went off to hunt down Horcruxes – and no, you'll get no information on that, you're too young and innocent to know about such horrors – only to get back together once the war was over. (Huzzah!) But what most people don't know is how hard it was for them to make the transition from friends to an item.<em>

I hated that transition. Absolutely hated it. And I wasn't even a part of it –

_Oh, you liar! You got them together, remember?_

George, no, hush, seriously, shut up.

_No! I don't believe I will, Miss Granger! Now, let's see, it all started in their sixth year and – hey, guess what?_

What?

_I wasn't there! At Hogwarts, I mean. I don't really know what happened. But I've got the edit of the sister version! Unless Hermione's willing to – _

No, George.

_Fine, you temperamental little witch. I'm on my own then. Alone. With absolutely no idea what I'm blabbering on about. Here I go. Going to write. Probably going to give others to wrong idea. _

Oh fine, I'll help.

_Goodie! Now, let's see…_

Harry and Ginny had been realizing that – hey, guess what, they liked each other! But of course, they didn't know. I mean, Harry didn't know Ginny liked him [_although she made it blatantly obvious_] and vise versa. And I got caught in the middle of it.

It was a very quiet day in the Gryffindor Common Room – [ - _Are you going to be all authorable now, Mione? Please don't bore the little firsties. Or me, for that matter._] Shut up, Mister Weasley. You are aware that your mother will eventually read this, aren't you? [_Well **now** I am. Hi Mum!_] Anyway, it had been quiet in the Common Room until **somebody **came in and disrupted the peace. [_And as previously mentioned, I was not at Hogwarts, so it couldn't have been me! Ha! In your face, Filch._]

Ginny has always liked Harry since our first year. Harry was just too busy nearly being killed to notice. So when Ginny finally gave up and started dating other guys, Harry was upset about it, although he didn't know why. And whenever one of those two [Harry and Ron] don't know something, they come to me. It gets bloody annoying, let me tell you. So my peaceful hour of reading was actually a peaceful five minutes of reading.

Harry had plopped down on the couch next to me, nearly killing my cat in the process as he let out a very loud sigh, "Hi Hermione."

"Harry," I said as Crookshanks growled at Harry and swished his way over to me. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know."

[_Harry and Ron better be lucky they have you for a friend, or else they wouldn't have made it out of first year, let alone a war.]_

I know. You and Ginny say that all the time.

_[Just making sure everyone knew. Alright, go on then!]_

So Harry spun his tale of woe – stop it with that look, George, I mean it! – and told me that he didn't like Ginny going out with…whoever she was going out with at the time, I can't remember for the life of me. And you would think that coming to this revelation would give the boy the bright idea but nooo – I had to tell him instead.

And let everyone know that Harry James Potter can be stubborn when he wants to be.

"No, I don't," he insisted.

"Yes, you do," I told him, dog-earring my page and setting my book aside.

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"No I bloody don't! So what if she's dating him? So what if she looks happy with him, all together and a couple, while I'm a single wreck who only seems to attract sobbing girls who can't get a grip on life? So what if I want to be able to kiss her, even though she's my best friend's little sister? So what, Hermione, so what?"

It took him at least five minutes to comprehend what he had said. And with that, Harry smacked his face with his hand and sighed, giving me his thanks and walking up to his dormitory.

Meanwhile, Crookshanks wouldn't go near Harry for a month. The end!

_That was such a beautiful story, Hermione. Look – tears!_

Of boredom, I presume?

_Oh, no, dear – of laughter! You phrased that somewhat comedically!_

'Comedically' isn't a word.

_It should be, just for my sake. Anyway, let's review – if you ever feel the urge to kiss a bird/bloke, if you ever feel jealous at them going out with somebody else, or if you ever get a touch bit nervous around that bird/bloke – you might have a crush!_

That summed it up wonderfully, Mister Weasley.

_Thank you, Miss Granger_.

* * *

><p><em>[Hermione Granger's sixth year Hogsmeade trip]<em>

"Aha! Miss Granger!" George grinned, startling the girl who was sitting at a table outside of the Three Broomsticks, book in hand, "Just the girl I was looking for!"

Hermione smiled up at him, brushing her hair out of her eyes, "Hi, George. What can I help you with?"

"A little Ginny told me that _you_ have become her fairy godmother," he said as he seated himself across from her, "But she was pulled away before I could ask why. So now, I must ask you: why are you her fairy godmother now?"

Hermione frowned a little at him, "Err…I have no idea. Let's see – I helped her study for her Herbology test…I leant her my favorite headband over the weekend…I probably gave Harry a push in her direction…."

"Well, I highly doubt it's her Herbology test and your headband, then!" he grinned, "So – my little sister and your adoptive brother, hmm?"

She grimaced, hiding a little behind her book, "Are you happy or upset about that?"

"Happy, of course!" he rolled his eyes, "Unless, y'know, Harry breaks her heart or something. Which I doubt he'll do. So it's all good!"

She laughed, making George's grin even bigger, "Yes, well, I'm glad then. Let's just hope Ron takes the news as well as you did."

"You mean you haven't told him?" he blinked, the smile sliding off his face.

Hermione snorted and fidgeted with the hem of her sweater, "No. He's been too busy with Lav-Lav."

"Lav-Lav?" George repeated with a wince, "Sounds like a laxative or something."

She laughed, "She's something like that. She's Ron's new girlfriend."

He grimaced, "But weren't you…y'know…don't you like Ron?"

"I did," she sighed and ran a hand through her hair, momentarily distracting George, "But he's just so…_infuriating_. I can't exactly be in a relationship with someone like that, now can I? Don't get me wrong – I still love Ron, but more like a brother than anything else – he's like Harry, for Merlin's sake! Well, no, not like Harry, he's nothing like Harry, I'm just saying – relationship-wise, y'know?"

"Hermione," George interrupted, reaching over and grabbing her hand to make her stop, "I get it. I know. Ron's a prat. Everyone in our family knows that but just barely acknowledges it. So, turning away slightly from that point – who do you like now, if you don't mind my asking?"

She blushed and coughed, fidgeting in her seat, "W-well, I – it's no one, really, it's just this – this guy – I doubt he even likes me – but I'm on a date – well, not right now, I'm waiting, for him to show up, I mean, and – "

"You're waiting for your date?" he asked, "Shouldn't the bloke wait for the bird?"

"Usually," she sighed, running a hand through her hair again, taking her hand away from George's.

"Who are you on a date with?"

She arched an eyebrow at him, smiling, "Excuse me, Mister Weasley, but this seems an awful lot like an interrogation."

"Well, Miss Granger, I so rarely get to _actually_ talk to you without my prat of a brother or that smashing boy my sister is dating hanging around."

"Well, technically, they're still here," she pointed toward the window, where a black haired boy sat in between two redheads, a brunette sitting next to one. "I'm just out here because their sickening love is smothering me. And, y'know, waiting for my date."

George chuckled, smiling softly at her instead of his usual full blown-out grin, "Well, if you ever need the company of one in the same boat as you, you know where to find me."

"Thanks, George," she smiled back.

"My pleasure. Well," he stood up, pushing the chair back in as he did, "Must be off. Good luck on your date, Hermione."

"Thanks again, George," she smiled up at him. He grinned and waved, and walked off down the sidewalk.

"Well, looks like it's just us again, Jace," Hermione said, turning back to her book and settling down in her chair, "Now stop picking on Simon and get back to talking with Clary."

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: Alright, so, whenever something is centered, italicized, and has these [] around it, that's something that Harry has wrote in. Anything after that is what he's referring to. Hope that doesn't confuse you too much! Also, Hermione didn't have a date, she just wanted to say something so George wouldn't worry about her or whatnot. She's reading either the first or third book of The Mortal Instruments series by Cassandra Clare. Jace is amazing, and, well, to truly appreciate the awesomeness, you need to read the books. I'm trying to read the third book without skipping ahead (again.) But, hey, that's what school's for, right? Anyway, see you next chapter!_**


	3. Pick Up or Drop

_Alright, good news everybody! It's eleven o'clock at night! And I've got Hermione sitting here and trying to doze off!_

Please, please kill me. I'm so tired.

_I'm sorry, Hermione, but it's just for a chapter._

Chapter lengths can vary, George!

_Oh yeah…anyway, in this chapter, we're here to tell you how to run away from creepy folks._

Neither of us have ever figured it out. Goodnight.

_Hermione, you promised this would be the pick-up line chapter!_

I thought the book was called 'How to Fend Off Freakies!'

_Hermione, pleeeeeaaaaassseee?_

Fine. Go ahead.

_Thank you. Now, in this chapter we're actually going to teach you how to pick up a bird, and Hermione will tell you how to pick up a bloke._

Noooo, let me go to sleeeeep.

_No. Now – _

NO! I have it now! Instead of picking up people, what about how to drive away people who are trying to pick you up?

_Will this be the only way you won't kick me off the couch?_

Yes.

_And we're going to tell you how to drive away people who are trying to pick you up!_

Now, for the girls, the cheesiest pick up lines are the easiest to throw back into their faces.

_And that's putting it nicely._

Moving on, if a man is trying to pick you up, you're going to want to think about what he says and then say the first snarky, witty, clever comment that pops into your head. But not too cruel or else he'll spread the word and you'll never get another date in your life. However, if his pick up lines aren't as cheesy, and are actually pretty clever, you're going to want to make something up and fast. Too bad all pick up lines are cheesy, so sorry boys!

_Now if a girl is trying to pick you up…you're not going to want to get rid of her, now are you? Unless you have a girl or she's ugly. Then you just say you have a girlfriend. Problem solved!_

And now we're just going to sit here and write to you. Hope you don't mind.

_So, Miss Granger, what are some of the worst pick up lines you've heard?_

Oh, I've heard plenty. Let's see – "Hey, Baby, why don't I put my wand in your Chamber of Secrets?"

_That's disgusting! Who said that to you? I'll kill them._

You said that to me, George. You and Lee got so drunk that you actually said that to me.

_I am __so sorry__, Hermione. Quick – go get rid of all of the alcohol in my apartment!_

You know for a fact that I can't reach half the things in your apartment.

_I know.__ OW, HERMIONE, DON'T KICK ME!_

You were being a prat!

_Tell us more pick up lines while I go look for an icepack. My knee is shot now._

You made fun of my height, you deserved it. Anyway – another one I've heard is "Interested in making some magic together? My wand is at the ready." "Do you want to head over to the Shrieking Shack? We can do some shrieking of our own." That one, I think, will embarrass Remus more than anything. And - "I must have had some Felix Felicis, 'cause I think I'm about to get lucky."

_Who came up with all of those vile, immatu – I came up with them when I was drunk, didn't I?_

Don't worry, Georgie – I know you were impaired at the time. A few of those were actually quite sweet.

_But they're stupid aren't they!_

"Being without you is like being afflicted with the Cruciatus Curse" was undeniably cute. So was "If I were a Seeker and you were a Snitch, would you let me catch you?"

_Now you're making me a pansy._

Watch it – I might miss your knee next time.

_Alright – I am now throwing out all of my alcohol in my apartment. If you are of legal age, check the trash bin behind Weasley's Wizards Wheezes – although you might want to mind what you touch._

He's the reason Crookshanks had no hair for a week.

_The cat shouldn't have run away._

He didn't run away! He was exploring.

_He was running away. And he landed at my place. And he was hairless for a week before dying a few years later. Rest in Peace, Squish-Face._

George!

_Sorry, sorry, I'm really sorry. _

I would like to inform all of you that he's curled up in a little ball and has switched to putting his head on my feet. Doesn't he know that I can cause brain damage that way?

_I've got enough brain damage that there's nothing left for you to inflict upon me._ Too true. _Who's being mean now, hmmm?_

Still you.

_Ahhh – yes. Of course. It's still me._

You're writing really slowly.

_Well, I __am__ curled into a little ball at your feet. I am not going to be the fastest writer in the world, Hermione. _

But I love you anyway, George. With all of my heart.

_Sarcasm gets you nowhere, my love._

Hypocrite.

_How so? Sarcasm really does get you nowhere._

You say this as you're mumbling to yourself sarcastically. How many times did you get hit in the head when you were a Beater?

_Fifty-seven times – and counting!_

Quidditch is an awful sport. It's just people flying around on brooms and throwing balls around and beating them and catching them. You could do that on the ground with the right people.

_Take it back!_

No! That is my opinion and this is my half of the book so I may write what I want to!

_Take it back or else!_

Or else wha ~

_Note: pinning Hermione down into the couch and tearing the book out of her hand is very effective. Tickling her makes her laugh but attempt to kick you off. _

* * *

><p>[Present Time]<p>

"George Weasley!" Hermione laughed, finally stopping in her quest to kick her assailant off of her, "Stop!"

"What do you say?" he questioned with a grin.

She huffed, "Quidditch is the best sport in the world."

"And?"

"And?" she wrinkled her nose, "What else is there?"

"And?" he prompted once more.

She sighed, "And George Weasley is the bravest, handsomest, nicest, funniest man in the world."

"Good girl," he grinned as the fire roared with the arrival of the Potters, "Ah! Harry, Gin! Lovely to see you!"

"And you're doing _what_ to my friend?" Ginny asked as Harry dusted himself off.

"We are writing a book!" he proclaimed with a grin, still pinning Hermione into the couch.

"Uh-huh," she hummed, "It doesn't look like it."

"Oh?" he said, falsely innocent until Hermione beat him in the head with a pillow, "Ow! Hermione, watch it!"

"When our friends walk in, it is best to get off of me, no matter what position we were in or whether we were doing anything or not."

"Uh-huh," Harry hummed and grinned slyly at them as George shoved off her.

"Oi," she shook a pillow at him, "Watch it, Potter, or I'll be throwing one of these at your head."

"You'd do it anyway, no matter what I said," he chuckled.

"You're fun to throw things at!" she grinned.

* * *

><p>…<strong>I totally forgot why I wrote all of that….<strong>


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